


Speechless

by 72HoursMassacre



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, POV Eren Yeager, Spoilers up to Chapter 131
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29178459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/72HoursMassacre/pseuds/72HoursMassacre
Summary: "Do you think, I should talk about everything? Would you talk about it? I don't think you would. Armin says problems can always be solved through dialogue, but... instead of letting us in, he comes here... Here, that he won't have to face any consequences, here, that no one can judge him. He doesn't even heed his own advice...He's a coward."
Relationships: Annie Leonhart & Eren Yeager, Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager
Comments: 3
Kudos: 47





	Speechless

**Author's Note:**

> Needless to say that your comments to my previous stories have made me so happy I cannot express it with words. Forgive me for not answering to each exclusively but all I can think to say is "omg tysm T.T" for real. How could I hope to respond "eloquently" knowing my bad writing made someone... feel something?
> 
> As for this piece, I believe it's a lot lower in terms of quality in comparison to the previous ones but eh whatever I felt like I needed to address some issues and delve into the mind of my beloved Eren Jä - jk I don't pretend I can fully understand Eren (who does) guess I'm just trying to cope... by fiddling a little with canon. 
> 
> Anyway, this got so long for no reason. Please let me in on your thoughts on this! <3

"I guess, I shouldn't start with _How are you?_ right?"

She really hasn't changed a bit. (Of course. The opposite would have been a suprise.) 

It's been four years since their battle at Stohess. Then why is that image of her crying while hardening herself still so vivid, so detailed in his mind, as if it was yesterday?

No. There _is_ a change. Unlike back then, here, she looks almost... _at peace_. Well, it's probably because of the peculiar lighting of her _prison_ , and that falsely calming atmosphere it creates. They can't possibly know what she's feeling inside, _if_ she's feeling anything, frozen in there. After all, she still hasn't... _achieved her goal_.

"Then how should I start?"

Maybe with _Why the hell is he here?_ But he should save the jokes for last.

"How does Armin normally start? Talking about his day? No... apologizing he's burdening you with his toubles? That sounds like something he would do, even though we have no idea if you're even listening... or... yes... maybe... telling you how much he... _misses you_?"

This is not a joke. He shouldn't want to laugh.

"But there's no point in apologizing for anything in our case, is there? You will never forgive me for standing in your way of reuniting with your father and I will never forgive you for being one of the reasons so many of us were killed or eaten or that I will never... reunite with my mother... We're on equal ground... at least outside the battlefield. Well, I guess, I could thank you for teaching me your... moves. They've saved my life many times... _ironic, right?_ But how could you have imagined that weak kid you beat up all the time during training was your target all along?

I imagine Armin has already told you everything about our intentions regarding the... international conference...

What do you think, Annie? Is there any chance for the world to just... _stop hating us_?"

What was he thinking? There's no keeping the jokes for last. Their entire life is a joke. 

Well, she deserves some laughter.

"We must look pathetic to you right now. Of course, there's no chance. We all know it, but we dare... _hope_? _Do I hope too_? Even though I know what's in store for us? That makes no sense, does it?"

He shouldn't disclose information about his abilities so carelessly.

"Well, at least I'll be able to... test it out... See if the future can be changed. It doesn't seem that way but it won't hurt to _certify_ , right? After it's all over, I'll know what I have to do.

Besides... it's the Survey Corps' first real mission outside Paradis. In a lot of ways, we've achieved what was never thought possible inside the Walls. We're going to _the_ _outside world_ for the first time. Armin barely conceals his excitement... Well, it's what he's dreamt of his entire life. I'm sure you know by now..."

He needs to stop staring at her every other second as if there's a chance she'll provide any confirmation she's actually listening.

"But what does it matter? He's not allowed to see it. Just to walk among _your people_ , he'll have to hide who he is. If they find out we're Paradisians, you, more than anyone, must know what they'll do to him. 

How does that make you feel? Does the thought of him being tortured, murdered, _enslaved_... fill you with overwhelming... rage? Does he... _matter to you_? Or is this _thing_... unrequited?"

She will not answer.

"I've been thinking of Mikasa's words a lot lately. She told me _The world is cruel but beautiful._ For years I used to take comfort in those words. I thought, when we overcome the cruelty of the world, the _Titans_ , we'll finally be able to see the beauty of it, like it was described in Armin's book -

\- has he talked to you about it? It's the last thing he has left of his grandfather. It's about all those wonderful places around the planet that we cannot see because we're doomed to live in this _cage_ , _not any better than cattle_...

He used to read it to us as kids, carrying it around carelessly, even though it was illegal at the time - because King Reiss was busy fantasising about a paradise in this island and didn't want anyone to know the truth about the outside. If he was caught, most likely his entire family would have been... involved in some _terrible accident_.

He had... _that look_ in his eyes... he still does... but it's rarer now. You have to look closely, you have to look when... well... when you have no reason to. _What is that look_? I still don't understand. It's as if... even in this cage, he's... _free_?

That makes no sense, he's _not_. _We are not_ _free_. The world Isn't full of miracles like described in his book. It's full of... _humans_. Humans who wish to eradicate us just because we exist. Where is the _beauty_ Mikasa spoke of? All I see... is more and more _cruelty_...

Disappointing, don't you think?

And the worst cruelty is yet to happen..."

This is no joke. He shouldn't want to laugh.

"You know, I always believed you and I are more alike than most people might think. You killed so many of us, even though you got the chance to see for yourself that the _Devils of Paradis_ are not so different from you after all. Did you do it to _save humanity_ as your mission entailed? Or perhaps... Did you do it just so you can _return to your father_?"

She will not answer.

"That's what _I_ am... meant to do, if there really is no other choice. That's what I saw, at least."

He shouldn't be talking about this. What if her brain is still functional? What if she's _actually listening_?

"In order to gain my own freedom, it seems I will have to... steal the freedom away from the world. I will have to kill... everyone. Not just the militaries that will sooner or later try to destroy us. Even the innocent, even the children. Tragedy in a magnitude you cannot conceive. No... I don't have to. _I want to_. I _choose_ to... _reject this world_...

Well... in that case I might end up killing your father too. I apologize to you for that... even if it means nothing. But don't worry, most likely, you _will_ get your chance to exact your revenge on me.

In my place... would you do it, Annie? If you had the power to destroy the world, and that was the cost you had to pay to see your father again, would you do it?"

She will not answer. 

"Honestly... I can't relate to Armin - well, I don't think I ever did... What is the appeal in disclosing my inner thoughts to an enemy who can't even respond to me? What _comfort_ does he get out of that? How is it _better_ than sharing his troubles with his friends? 

_Right_. Am I one to talk? I don't tell them anything anymore. But... It's not the same. There's nothing Armin can say that will hurt anyone more than the truth of our situation already does, despite what he probably believes. But if I _talk_ , if I tell them that we'll end up fighting to the death, what good will that do? 

Or _will it_? Do you think, I should talk about everything? Would you talk about it? I don't think you would. Armin says problems can always be solved through dialogue, but... instead of letting us in, he comes here... Here, that he won't have to face any consequences, here, that no one can judge him. He doesn't even heed his own advice...

He's a _coward_. 

That's right. He's only brave when it comes to sacrificing his own self. All bark and no bite. He's still a 9-year-old who hates himself because he can't talk his bullies away. _He's still a naïve idealist_. He doesn't change. Well... I don't either. I've always been the same. Maybe we were both just... born this way...

Still... you killed so many people without second thought but you refused to kill _him_ , right? You acted like nothing but your mission really matters to you, but... you said _it hurt you_ when he looked at you like a traitor, right? I can tell, he means _something_ to you. That's a good start. But still there's _a long way to go_."

What is his face doing five inches away from her crystal? She will not know. She cannot react. _What is he even doing her_ e? He should end this farce and simply get _the hell_ out of here.

"Are you willing to love a person who clings to _meaningless idealism_ like your father used to? Hmm? Are you willing to love a coward? Are you willing to love him despite all the pain you have caused and _will_ cause each other? _Are you willing to die for him, Annie_?

You'd better.

Because he chose you.

I still wonder, you know... when did Armin fall for you? Was it during our training days? Did you two _hang out_ more than I was aware of? Was I so caught up in my need for revenge that I didn't notice the growing feelings of my best friend next to me? Was he so good at hiding those feelings, even though he's never been able to hide anything from me? Or was it... that those feelings happened _after_ he ate Bertholdt and gained the memories of a man who loved you, hmm? How much of this love is _Armin's_ and how much is _Bertholdt's_?

 _Is this truly Armin's free will_?"

.

.

.

Blood?

Of course. What did he expect from trying to scratch a material even his Titan's teeth could not? It will heal in less than a minute.

"Well, it is what it is..."

This is beyond ridiculous. 

It's high time he left and let them both forget this _talk_ ever happened - maybe clean his blood off her crystal before that.

"None of us three have much time left, do we? If there's anything you can find in this cruel world that can make you happy, I guess, you should... hold on to it. 

You'd better _hold on to it._

It's never simple, is it? _Happiness_... 

Historia asked me some months ago: What do you want to do after Paradis is safe? How do you envision happiness? What a weird question... I always thought that if I could finally see... _that scenery,_ if I am truly free, that is when I'll finally be happy. Still, this isn't enough. I want my friends to be free and live long, happy lives. But... Is there truly any happiness left in this world for the man about to destroy it? 

I guess, I won't know... unless I keep moving forward.

And well... if it all ends well for us, if that's even possible -"

She would understand his scoff if she could see him for sure. No, she'd probably outright start laughing at his face.

Or she should. He'd expect nothing less from Annie.

" - I can have freedom, Armin can have the world, and you can have Armin. Not bad of a deal for someone who... only _goes with the flow_ , is it?

 _Ah_... I remember during our training you said once that _you wish people who simply go with the flow can be considered human too_. I think, Armin would agree with you... But those who only _settle_ , those who make no effort to take back their own stolen freedom, seem to me, _no better than_ \- "

.

.

.

.

Suprise is never... _boring_ on Armin's face. Maybe because it's so rare to create a situation which he hasn't one way or the other anticipated.

(Well, a situation other than complimenting him, that is. Compliments never fail to suprise and... enfuriate him.)

Still, by the way he stands there frozen, his hand gripping the door's knob as if he wishes to break it, his eyes as wide as humanly possible, is it safe to assume he has _created_ such a situation? Is it safe to _take pride_ in it? 

The reason cannot logically be that Armin has been... caught red-handed or that he's aware of these... visits. There's no way Armin wasn't expecting that in about three years of him disappearing out of the face of the earth sometimes for hours on end, either he or Mikasa would have find out _where_ off to.

In that case, is he suprised to see that _he is here_? That he is _talking to Annie in his place_?

Does that make him feel _jealous_? (He needs to control himself - not a good time to burst out laughing.)

"Time's up, it seems... See you later, Annie.-" 

Well, no visible reaction to him touching her crystal fondly. 

"- Thanks for listening."

Then, is Armin just... _embarassed_?

Should he be? Should Armin be embarrassed that he's found _refuge_ in an enemy that can't talk back, instead of confiding in the friends who've been by his side all along? Why would shame over such trivial issues matter to people who already carry the shame of having murdered innocent children? _Who is he to judge anyone_?

He has no right. 

But, what's the point in fooling himself? He's well aware of what that feeling is _exactly_ , when he squeezes Armin's shoulder lightly and smiles at him before he exits the basement. It's the feeling he's been most familiar with, from the day Armin showed him his grandfather's book to this very day. 

_Pity_.

Only this time - is it the first time? - it's not directed at himself.

 _Him_ pitying anyone? _Him pitying Armin_? 

Life truly is -

"Eren, wait!"

Armin's grip has certainly become quite firm in the last two and a half years they haven't touched each other in any way. His special training to get his body accustomed to using the Colossal must be paying off. If he allows him to dig his nails into his forearm any longer and wills himself not to heal, is he going to find light bruises under his shirt later? 

"What were you -"

 _What was he doing in there?_ A great question, which, as expected, Armin knows better than to actually ask. If he does, he must know, they will both have to answer.

One answer will lead to another question and he's - they are - still too cowardly to risk it.

"Wait, you don't get it. We -"

"I get it, Armin. I _do_ get it."

For years now, unfortunately, _he gets it_.

"No, this has gone too far. It's my fault... We- We need to talk, right now."

.

.

.

He probably shouldn't be laughing this hard. He propably should have let Armin take matters into his hands once again, instead of just walking away. It's not that his own ideas have ever worked better anyway. But -

(If he does find bruises, he might just... keep them for a while.)

\- their last meeting before the... _expedition_ starts in less than forty-five minutes and they will have to head to their quarters to prepare and rest right after. 

He would never steal his _best friend's_ last chance to bid his _beloved_ farewell.


End file.
